Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
You Might Also Like
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Love this guy
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
A completely valid reaction tbh
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there