Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™