Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”