Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it