Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
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boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh