I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
You Might Also Like
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful