due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
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[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans