“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
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A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here