I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet