ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position