My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.