I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.