Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
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Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
cry laughing at this shit
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.