there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?