Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
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Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.