“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”