“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!