People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
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well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
*aggressively waits in line*
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here