i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
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My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
We’ve come full circle
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”