Truth
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*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
“what that mouth do?” complain
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them