Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
What flavor cupcake are these
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.