Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
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who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.