*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Yup.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”