I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
There鈥檚 a serious limit in how much one can take
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh鈥ordyceps.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 馃檨
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
whenever I鈥檓 feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don鈥檛 remember what we bought the kids. I鈥檓 so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.