If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
You Might Also Like
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Ugh but profoundly
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩