I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
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when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.