A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
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My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night