I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
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I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
That was easy.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
🤣🤣💀
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.