I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
You Might Also Like
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.