Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in