*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse