There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car