I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
School be like
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all