No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
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[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy