Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
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I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
yeah not falling for this one
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Breaking news:
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.