the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
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Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Dance like you’re not the father
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Eating my way out of the ball pit.