Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.