Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
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me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS