Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
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Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.