My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
inside you are two wolves
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.