I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Canada has crack?
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Stonehinge
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.