[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
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Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Going into Monday like
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some