Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
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If you had more money you’d be happier.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.