me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
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[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
guilty
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.