Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
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Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.