I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
You Might Also Like
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.