I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
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I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie