Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
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brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
bugs when you lift up a rock
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I feel attacked.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to