If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.