for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*